LESSONS FROM AFFAIRS OF THE HEART

At 25 years of age (I prefer a 1/4 of a century), adults think us so-called “20 somethings” are all the same and confused, and we party too much, we work as barista’s and have no ambitions to succeed or all we worry about is not succeeding. You’re right, you’ve ingrained this into our lives so that we have no other option than to think that we aren’t yet earning our place in this world.

Since I currently have all this time on my hands I’ve decided to make something out of it. People that have lived 1/4 of a century have become wiser (a little bit), and have lessons to teach those entering the decade that may help them in the long run.

Before you continue there are a few things I’d like to clear up so as not to be false-leading or misconstrued.

- prepare yourself, because I have a potty mouth and I don’t care what you think of it.

-I’ve never had an “official” boyfriend or “serious” relationship that’s made it past the two month mark, besides the ones that involve me chasing the emotionally unavailable. (yes, it’s sick, and I’ve learned to laugh at myself over this because I realize it makes me absolutely hopeless)

- Don’t believe every detail of what I write, I’m an avid believer in hyperbole, good use of embellishment, and making situations more dramatic for good humour (b/c we all want to be British).

- I like to learn all of the lessons I can from a man before I recycle him, this may not be the healthiest way but at least it minimizes my number. (In case you don’t get it, I’m referring to the number of men I’ve slept with.)

- I’m sarcastic, I like one-liners, I often quote song lyrics,books and other people, I say what’s on my mind if you don’t like it—there’s the door…or, er.. duh it’s the internet “x” the window and move on.

Here are 25 lessons that affairs of the heart have taught me in my 25 years.

1. IT’S PERFECTLY OKAY TO BE PICKY

Some people always want to have a significant other or at least be constantly dating. I’m not one of them. I’m picky, and people always wonder and ask why I don’t have a boyfriend “you’re so beautiful you should have a boyfriend, I’m sure all the men want you” They don’t. And nor do I want them to; on occasion I’ll embrace my siren self and go in for the kill—but that’s only if I’m really horny and in a mood that’s capable of having sex without feeling—this doesn’t happen that often. But when it does, I’m still picky. I could be the horniest girl East of the cascades and I’m still not taking you home unless I know I find you attractive enough to turn me on. Sorry lads, but if it’s a one-niter standards go UP not down. Long-term situations are stickier, they say we can learn to love someone. I say fuck-that, if you don’t make every nerve ending in my body tingle and back it up with a driven personality that inspires and intrigues me as well as mind rocking, body shaking, toe curling hot hot sex I’ll kick you to the curb within two months. No if’s and’s or but’s; either learn how to keep my attention or keep. on. walking.

2. ONLY CHASE MEN WHO ARE SINGLE

Trust me on this one, I did the leg work. If they lie and tell you they are single and you find out differently after knotting the bed sheets the guilt is on THEM not YOU. They should feel like the scum bag,—not you, I repeat one more time, if they lied the guilt is NOT YOURS. So let it go and keep walking. However, if you fall for a taken man and allow yourself to follow through with the thrilling and exhilarating appeal of stealing someone’s boyfriend, I promise you that in the end the guilt is yours, and so is the karma. Not only will you feel this guilt and karma you’ll also have the pain and heartache after it’s finally over because it’s just not working. Not that he believed it ever would, but he made you believe it would! So when he finally rips your heart out of your chest for the 87 millionth time you finally get it. Why it took so long? Who really knows? But, I’m telling you—Only chase the men who are single—and you won’t have the guilt, karma, and heartache added to your lovely chocolate, peanut-butter, cream-filled, souffle years they call our twenties.

3. DON’T GET SO CAUGHT UP IN IT

Fairy tales are the exception, not the rule. So when said guy ^^ convinces you that someday he’d like to marry you all the while he has a girlfriend—and it’s not you—DO NOT under any circumstances believe him. Don’t let him weasel his way into your pants once more on the terms that he’d much rather marry you than his girlfriend. He’s lying. So don’t go allowing the inflamed ego-trip that we all get when we think we are mutually “in love” and picture yourself walking down the aisle with his face at the end, and the places you’ll travel together. There’s a reason you aren’t his girlfriend now, why on earth do you keep convincing yourself that he’d want you as his wife later? This also applies when you meet the actual love of your life and not some slimy, lying, in betweener sent to teach you a lesson. The love of your life needs you to be present. He needs you to fall in love with him right now, not in your head five years from now…NOW. Let it ride, go with the flow, take a step back and breathe, relax, and let it unfold before your eyes.

4. LIKE WHAT YOU LIKE, WHO CARES WHAT HE THINKS

It’s okay to be yourself. To have quirky things about you and to like weird shit. Or to like shit that he may not like even if it’s not weird. Do what you want, even when in a relationship. A man should be confident enough in himself and trust you enough that you’re allowed to do what you want as is he but together you make a good team. If he doesn’t like your shoes, or the way you’re wearing your hair tell him to suck it. If you bend your self to his wishes on these, or other similar things, you’ve given up your power and given him the reins. We are women, we have the reins, always—unless you give it away, in which case makes you a pussy and you should go do some kegels, learn yoga, and grow a back bone. Start running your own show. A man that really loves you won’t try and change you; he’s allowed his opinion of course, but he won’t care if you don’t listen to it and he won’t take advantage of the times you do.

5. IF YOU SIGN UP TO RIDE THE ROLLER COASTER

It better come stocked full of red wine and American Spirits. We all know when we are entering the danger-zone that is the roller-coaster-ride. If you’re fighting a guy more than you are fucking one month and the next month everything is perfect and the month after you’re no longer talking and the month after that you’re fucking again. Seriously, you signed up for this shit and it’s you making the choice to keep going back, so drink your bottle of wine, chain-smoke those cigarettes, and quit your bitching. Roller-coasters always have a stopping point, if you don’t like being on the ride, it’s your god-given right to jump off. Nobody else wants to hear about it. Just drink your wine and shut the hell up, and if you can’t quit bitching about it then put on your big girl britches and step off the crazy-train.

6. COLLEGE IS FOR HOOKING-UP, NOT DATING

Seriously girls, why do you want to go through the most memorable (or moments you don’t remember but know were the greatest) times of your life with a “ball and chain.” College is for finding out what types of guys you’re into, the kind of sexy-time you like, and how kinky you’re willing or not willing, to get. College is for drinking, dancing on tables, beer bonging, experimenting, and meeting lots of different kinds of people. Don’t limit yourself to a boyfriend and your mutual friends and the “school family” that you’ve created. Branch out, maybe it’s the Virgo in me but seriously, get different kinds of groups of friends. They help you discover new things about yourself. It’s okay to date for a couple of months, but realize that men in college have ulterior motives, they party all the time, and they have no desire to be serious or settle-down anytime soon, and neither should you! Hang out with that guy that’s totally not your “normal’ type, get to know the hot, shy guy down the hall, let the foreign guy teach you how to roll your tongue and whistle loudly, have a rendezvous via Tinder if that’s your thing! You may discover something new about yourself—just make sure you use protection. But, by all means don’t get trapped in a serious relationship where your mind is swirling with glitter and white dresses and dressing your baby boy in Gymboree, STOP IT. You’re too young to be thinking about babies, and marriage. Seriously, go see the world first—there’s time for serious relationships and babies in your 30’s.

7. WHEN THE GUY YOU’RE CASUALLY DATING GET’S A GIRLFRIEND

Don’t let him convince you to remain his friend!!!! He’s only doing this because he has feelings for you and if it doesn’t work out with his new girlfriend-turned wife-turned ex-wife he’ll remember how alive you made him feel, the crazy energetic connection, the great conversations, and of course the mind-blowing sex and come back seducing you to the nines just for a roll in the hay. Seriously hypocritical, but on this one ladies, if you stay his friend, let him seduce you when the time comes—it’ll be worth it. But know what you’re getting yourself into. Know that he cheated on his wife and that’s why he’s divorced, know that he’s still loosely dating the girl he cheated on her with, and also know that you’re everything he wants but won’t let himself admit. Know this, so after the mind-blowing roll in the hay you can strut your sexy ass out the door and out of his life. Trust me again, this is one of those roller-coaster-rides, you can choose to ride it out or you can choose to jump-off. Your choice. 

8. (on that^ note) DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH A MUSICIAN

Can you sex the musician? Why yes, of course. But don’t let the phenomenal sex make your conscious mind foggy and unclear. He’s a magician….wait… I meant musician. He’s never going to let himself fall in love, he has too much fun making all the girls beg for more. Why would you be the exception? For more laughs on this note refer to Kat George’s article “The Transformative Power of a Good Bone” on Thought Catalog.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/kat-george/2013/10/the-transformative-power-of-a-good-bone/

9. ONE NIGHTS STANDS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE LIBERATING

If you’re single, and especially if you’re shy, go out and wear a different hat. Wear the hat of the Siren. You’re hot, sexy, and DTF. Find a sexy man (refer to number 1) buy him a drink, dance with him, let him take you home and fuck your brains out, wake up at 6am grab last nights dress, steal his sweats, and GTFO! But, for fucks sake don’t leave anything behind. If you do leave something behind, I pray you don’t want it back bad enough to go back any get it. If you do, like I have, your favorite hat and the sexy black vest i.e. the hottest item in your closet, put your head down in shame, call his roommate (b/c you know her of course) and go back and get it when you know he won’t be home. One night stands aren’t all that fun with people in your own social circle, or guys you know you’ll be seeing again. The LIBERATING effect only takes place if it’s in, out, one and done. There should be no pretending you want to date, or even get breakfast. Wham, bam, sleep, GTFO! Never have to see him again, and prove to yourself once and for all that you are capable of having sex like a man and thoroughly enjoying it, maybe even more than your hopeless romantic self should.

BUT…

10. FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS CAN BE MUCH BETTER

One night stands are great for their purpose, but when you’re in a man-slump, deep into it, like six-months deep, and you’re vibrator is no longer successful and the removable shower head is somehow stuck on the slow speed, find a man to have sex with on a regular basis without feeling attached. Make this clear in both party’s eyes before ever undressing! Then, let the booty calling commence, “meet me, car sex, 15 minutes” “come over and do me, then leave” I mean having a friend with benefits is the best of both worlds because you’re getting laid frequently and you still get to date other men whilst maintaining your cool and having the ability to keep your woman-dick in your pants long enough to let the ones your dating chase you.

11. DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND’S BROTHER

This one has been hard for me to grasp too, I feel your pain. It’s always the ones that should be off limits that we end up wanting. The risk and excitement exuded by the chase or something like that. Do this at your own risk because there is a very high probability of it blowing up in your face. For instance, dating your best friends brother and then realizing you’re totally not into him… makes it hard to get out of the relationship out of fear of losing your best friend. OR the opposite when your friend totally supports you falling in love with her brother, but she also doesn’t want you to get hurt so she fills you in on all his dirty little secrets that you probably shouldn’t know but can’t un-hear so you have to deal accordingly. And by deal accordingly I mean deleting the feelings for the lying/cheating brother and keeping the good friend! NOT, I repeat NOT under any circumstances should this be the other way around. She’s telling you these things because she cares, not because she doesn’t want you to date him.

12. GIVE IN TO THE SEDUCER

Just do it. Recognize his game, recognize his seduction style (read: The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene), and let him seduce you. It’s fun, if you can keep it light hearted; seduction should be basked in, if someone chose you as a victim of seduction it’s probably because they see you as a challenge—this is a good thing—give them a challenge. Play along, give them what they want and take what you want from it. For me, it’s the feeling of being desired just remember to keep your emotional distance.

13. LEARN WHAT YOUR SEDUCTION STYLE IS, AND PUT IT TO USE

If you have no idea what I’m talking about, go purchase Robert Greene’s “The Art of Seduction” and savor every last page of it, take notes if you must, learn what your style is and how to use it. As a woman the art of seduction has the ability to get you very very far without ever taking off your pants.

14. WHILE ON THE TOPIC OF ART, LEARN THE ART OF A GOOD BLOW JOB

Ask your friends, take advice, read a sex book, watch porn, Google it, do whatever it is you need to do in order to know how to give a mind-blowing (pun intended) blow job. Give enough of them that you are confident in your skills and can go down there with an effective outcome “relax jaw, breathe through nose.” While honing in on your skills, please darlings, always remember, nothing ruins a good blow job faster than the “this is disgusting, ew, ew, ew,” spit face that you make while searching for somewhere convenient to spit. Just fucking swallow it, two tablespoons or less of teeth-whitening, skin brightening, sometimes bitter, sour, and always salty spunk isn’t going to kill you. It may ruin your appetite and give you a good reason to skip dinner and go straight for the bottle of wine, but just fucking do it. Other wise you ruined your skills that you spent five hours on Google perfecting with your “where the fuck do I spit this nasty shit” face. Side note: If you’re in a relationship and your man has “funky tasting spunk” just get him drinking pineapple juice. Trust me, it’s effective!

15. PERFECT YOUR OWN PERSONAL GO-TO DATE OUTFIT

Whatever your style; little black dress, jeans and a t-shirt, skirt with a blouse, hooker heels, cut-offs, and the crop-top v-neck that says “DO ME”, if that’s your thing. My personal favorite is the white jeans, black tee, leather jacket, gold jewels, and booties. No-fail, works every time. Find what works for you and swear by it, if you’re confident in what you’re wearing and you know it has a good rating work it. Hell, build your wardrobe around it. That way you’re always date-ready worthy.

16. DATE THE PLAYER JUST LONG ENOUGH TO COLLECT DATA

The data you’ll need in order to develop a radar that beeps every single time you consider actually liking a man of this type. Just remember to listen to the beeper if you’re going to put in the time to ride the player train.

17. IF YOU DON’T HANG WITH HIM SOBER, EVER, IT’S NOT DATING

If you’re consuming alcohol and/or getting high every time you hang out with a guy it’s not dating, it’s bro-time with a happy ending. Which, is totally and perfectly okay, unless you want it to be more; if that’s the case stop doing what you’re doing. Sober up, and make him take you to dinner sans drinks. If he’s not down, walk away.

18. IF HE IS NEEDIER THAN YOU IN WITHIN THE FIRST MONTH, JUST SAY “NO!”

No elaboration necessary.

19. DON’T OVERLOOK A GUY BECAUSE HE HAS ONE FLAW

Give him a little chance and see if it goes away. Just because he is shorter, younger, way too old, way too nice, too fat, or too skinny doesn’t mean you shouldn’t give him a chance. Give him two months (or, whatever you’ve discovered as your magical number) if it still bothers you it probably always will so let it go and move one. Life is too short to be anything other than picky, stubborn, and perfectly happy being single rather than wasting your time with someone that you’re not head over heels in love with.

20. IF HE ASKS YOU TO CRAWL OUT THE WINDOW…

Do it, then sneak into the garage and steal all of his beer. Then never answer his texts or phone calls again.

21. SAY NO TO VIOLENCE

If a guy yells at you, yells at his friends, punches walls, kicks and screams like a little girl, calls you names, makes you feel inadequate in any way, end it right there on the spot. Red flag!

22. IF A MAN OFFERS TO TAKE YOU ON A VACATION, YOU GO!

Who cares if you’ve only known the guy for a month, who cares if he’s dating other people, if he asks and is paying GO!. Same goes for most other things and you’re not busy and he’s buying such as dinner, live shows, drinks, real roller-coasters, or a trip to the beach. Seriously, even if you’re “not that into him” just go.

23. LET THE MEN IN YOUR PAST, STAY IN YOUR PAST

If I had a dime for every time I didn’t listen to this one, well… I’d probably have a dollar. The best lesson’s take time to learn. Even when Mercury goes retrograde and all of your lost items and lost men flash-cameo back into your life story. More often than not, this is not a SIGN saying “yeah, good idea get back with that guy who tore your poor little heart out and hardened your soul” it’s the universe testing you to see if you’ve learned your lesson or if you need another beating to really ingrain it into that pesky little heart and naughty little libido that’s scheming for another go-round. Read title, don’t even go there. Leave them behind, even if they didn’t hurt you if they didn’t fight for you nor you for them, there is a perfectly good reason they are behind you. Staring at your sexy ass as you keep moving forward.

24. DON’T BE A DATE MOOCH

Sure, “Girl’s gotta eat!” but if you want a dinner date go for it, seduce you’re way into one. Just make sure it’s only on the first date after that you should actually be into him if you’re going to keep letting him buy. If you aren’t into him don’t keep pretending to date him because you like free dinner and drinks. It’s mean, bad karma, and is really just bad character.

25. DON’T ALTER YOUR PLANS FOR A MAN UNLESS YOU’RE ABSOLUTELY SURE HE IS “THE ONE”. (like he put a ring on it sure!)

Until then, if it’s love it will work out even if you stay 100% focused on your life path and what you want out of life. Figure out what it is you’re passionate about and create YOUR life around it. Don’t wait for a man to fill some void, don’t let the first guy that sweeps you off your feet alter where you’re going. Stay busy, do your own thing, don’t even think about men. Give time to yourself, study something that interests you, read books, take up the whole bed, partake in no-shave November…… seriously.